How do I describe my feelings on the day I am officially to become a homeowner?

April 13th is an important day for me. It was the day we buried my grandpa back in 1997. On a lesser scale, it was also the same day in 1997 of ECW's first PPV "Barely Legal" which was probably the high water mark of the original ECW promotion.

April 13th, 2015 will be another landmark for this date as it is the day I will sign the closing papers on my first house and officially become a homeowner. What should I feel on day like today?

Should I feel happy that I've supposedly achieved the so-called American dream?
Should I feel relief that this nearly 4 month process is finally over?

Thing is, other than some relief that this process is indeed over and I can move onto other things, I don't really feel too much happiness. In many ways, I feel sad because of where this house is located (Kalamazoo, Michigan). For all intents and purposes, I refuse to call this my "home" because yes, it is my dwelling, but it isn't my true home and it never will be. To me, my true "home" is one of two locations. Either on Strawberry Rd in Reidsville or likewise, Harrison Crossroad Loop in Reidsville. No matter how long I live here, I will never refer to Kalamazoo, or my house, as my actual home as I just can't justify lying to myself on that level.

I also feel sad because of what was given up for the sake of this house. Most people know that I sold my Gi Joe collection in January 2014 after more than 20 years of collecting with the intention of using the money from that as a down payment on a home. This is exactly what's occurred and for all intents and purposes, it all went according to plan that my wife and I laid out in 2012 when we first started making our relocation plans from North Carolina to Michigan. With the transfer of the money that was paid for my Gi Joe collection, my childhood is officially gone and it's a feeling that I've felt since that day in January when Corey Stinson drove off with my collection but now it's only magnified.

I would be very hard pressed to say I'd prefer having this home to having my Gi Joe collection back. In fact, I would be afraid to answer the question if ever asked because I'm reasonably sure I'd answer it wrong seeing as how there is a definitive "right" and "wrong" answer to such a question.

Most people who know me know that I don't typically adjust to radical changes very well and it takes me a while to adjust to them if I ever do at all. I've been in Michigan almost a year now and if I had to put a number describing my adjustment level, I'd say it's probably 15% out of 100%. With the exception of Sweetwaters Donut Mill here in town, if I eat out, I typically go to places that I could've found at home or at least in Greensboro or Danville. Even with Sweetwaters, I've considered simply going to Walmart here and just buying Krispy Kreme doughnuts just for that little bit of home. I've looked at pictures of home on Google Maps or even the very few pictures I have of Reidsville and struggle to do so without being reduced to tears.

This in turn presents a big problem because I looked forward to getting out of Reidsville for so long even though I never dreamed it would be a successful venture. Make no mistake about it, there are lots of things there that I do not miss such as the narrow-mindedness, the ass-backwards thinking on progressive social issues, nor the terribly hot weather and the lack of actual seasons. But there are people and places there that I miss dearly and truly can't wait to see again in July when I visit home again for the first time in 14 months.

It's actually raining here now (which isn't surprising since I don't believe there's a place in the continental US that it rains more than it does here perhaps other than Seattle) and I feel like it matches my mood very well. Darrell Waltrip said at Rockingham the week after Dale Earnhardt Sr. died that the rains were tears from Heaven and for some honest reason, I feel a similar way today that the rain falling matches the tears falling from my own eyes right now and the internal tears that have flowed pretty much since the day we arrived here.

How do I describe my feelings on the day I am to officially become a homeowner? Heartbroken.