I use this blog for postings on sports and pop culture normally but this one is vastly different. I typed up basically what I have been feeling and what is going through my mind during what is rapidly turning into one of the most trying periods of my life. Ultimately, these following paragraphs are me simply pouring out how I feel and what is going on because at this point, I just felt that I might feel better to get things out. Here we go.
I remember a time long ago that it seemed I had something of a future to look forward to. I was about to start college and I had made the decision to go into television. That was 2002. I wanted to work in something I’d really liked since I was very young and with work and time, I graduated 4 years later with my degree in communications. More time passed and by the time 2008 came along, I finally realized I had to give up on my dream to go into television because no one would simply give me a chance. This is also concurrent with a failed relationship that hit me really hard because I had never had any sort of meaningful romantic relationships at that point.
We will go forward to 2009. Specifically in April when I met and fell in love with the woman who would become my wife. We were married less than 3 months after meeting due to an unplanned pregnancy and I didn’t want to shirk my responsibility as the father of the child and just leave her high and dry. In August 2009, during a routine ultrasound, we learned that our baby was not alive in the womb. It was determined that Jenni would have to either go through a C-Section or would have to have labor induced because the baby was too far along to go through the normal miscarriage procedures. In the early morning hours of August 8, 2009, our daughter, Trinity, was born dead. It shattered us both but especially Jenni because she wanted to be a mother more than anything else in this world. This is her dream and her goal.
In order to help us both to move on, and because we’re both animal lovers, we decided to adopt a couple of cats. We adopted one cat each from a Reidsville woman who tried to rescue and help out stray cats as much as possible. Our cats were the children of a couple of these strays that she rescued. I chose a boy that was later named Smash. A cute fellow who was just as lovable as he could be. Jenni chose a mostly white calico that she named Gadget simply because I happened to have the Inspector Gadget theme song playing on my computer at the time we brought them home. They grew up together and eventually had kittens together simply because we wanted Gadget to actually have the chance to be a mother before they were fixed. This came from her obvious desire to try to “mother” Smash once we brought them home even though he was a few weeks older than she was.
During this time, another cat came into our lives. She was being given away by a man who couldn’t keep her. Her name later became Eva once she came to live with us. Unfortunately, Smash had behavioral issues and he had to be sent back to his original owner. Afterwards, Gadget’s motherly instincts took over again and she began to mother Eva since Eva is about 6 months younger than Gadget. In time, Smash came back to live with us again along with a new cat named Simba who came to us due to his previous owner’s landlord not allowing him to live with them. When Smash came back to us and Simba came to be with us, I promised them both, just as I had promised Gadget and Eva, that they would be loved and taken care of for the rest of their lives as long as we were physically able to do so. As we welcomed these new cats into our family, I had to say goodbye to my old friend, Sam. He became very sick mostly due to his age and on December 22, 2009, the decision was made to end his suffering. A decision that I was forced to make and one that hurts me to this day.
Now we move to 2012. I had made the decision to return to school and seek a new degree since my previous one had failed so badly. I chose RCC’s Medical Office Administration program. I was set to graduate in Spring 2014 since I was starting in the Fall of 2012. During my 2 years pursuing this new degree, I came to visit Michigan with my wife a couple times and adored it there and adored my new extended family whom I was finally meeting for the first time. I came to decide that I might want to move there because I’ve never been happy in the south and having tried so long to find any sort of job in North Carolina, I believed this was my best shot at building a better future for my family. This was my goal and dream that I chose to pursue. I also believed it to likely be the best opportunity to make my wife’s dream of having children come true because having kids on one income was simply out of the question.
We made the final decision to move in the fall of 2013 and I began seeking contacts about jobs up here not long afterwards. Jenni was able to get her job transferred from Reidsville to a store in Kalamazoo and I began talking to nearly everyone who would talk to me about jobs here. Not just medical office jobs, but also menial jobs. We felt we were all set until one major thing happened that really changed the whole picture. The original plan was to stay with my father-in-law until I found work and we could get our own place. He learned that we had 4 cats who would be coming with us and decided that we couldn’t stay with him as long as we had these cats. I had to scramble to find a pet-friendly apartment that we could afford since it appeared we would only be on one income. The best I could possibly do was to find one that took 2 cats which meant we had to make a decision as to who would go with us. For various reasons, we chose Gadget and Eva. I was able to convince my parents to take care of Simba and Smash and while I know they’re being well taken care of, this made me a liar in my eyes to them because I promised them they would be loved and taken care of and while that is still technically true, the promise was made with us in mind. This decision broke up our family and left us both very hurt and disappointed that this had to happen for us to move.
At this point, Jenni’s transfer was irreversible and we had no choice but to move or else she would lose her job entirely. Right after this, some hope came in the form of a job offer with a local ENT clinic. I was hired and started on May 16, 2014. After only 4 full days of training, the rug was pulled out from under me and I was told I didn’t have what it took to do the job correctly. I don’t fully understand how such a decision can be made so quickly, especially given that everyone else on the staff had several weeks to train for their positions. What it boils down to is that I am too stupid to hold a job and I am also too stupid to honestly see reality for what it is. The reality is that I do not have any real future. It only took me 12 years to fully discover what should’ve been obvious.
The worst part of this is the damage I have caused to those closest to me. I made my wife give up what she had built in 5 years at the Reidsville Walmart, I gave up my grandparents house to move up here to an apartment so I am now paying rent whereas I didn’t have to previously. I broke up our family by lying to Smash and Simba. I have caused my wife so much undue stress from arguments, worry, fear of the future, and now being responsible for paying rent on a single income because I am again, unemployed and that doesn’t appear to be going to change any time soon, if ever. I took her dream of being a mother away from her because I was responsible for Trinity’s death. We were moving her stuff from Danville to Reidsville and because I was so overweight and obese at the time, I was physically unable to move a lot of stuff that needed to be moved so she had to move several really heavy things. I believe this caused her to miscarry and ended up being what killed our daughter. She has told me so many times that it wasn’t my fault that we lost our daughter but it truly was because I was so fat and unable to do what needed to be done.
All my wife and my cats have ever done is love me. The cats have never asked for anything in return except my love and I threw 2 of them under the bus to chase a dream that can never come true which is for my wife and I to build a solid future. Her dream to have children may have been able to happen in time while in North Carolina since we had a place to live but while we are here, this won’t happen. She gave up her dreams for me to chase mine and now that I am finally realizing what should’ve been completely obvious from the beginning, this hurts me even more. My dreams are dead and I am justly punished for my stupidity. What is unjust, is how those around me that I love have to suffer for my stupidity and my inability to hold down a job. Particularly as it was the only shot at building the future that we wanted that we had. I had other chances with Walmart and Meijer stores here but I obviously had to call them back to let them know that I had accepted another job so I burned all those bridges when I accepted the job that I was ultimately proven to be too stupid to actually do.
I do not want my wife to suffer for my stupidity. I do not want my cats to suffer for my stupidity. But the truth of the matter is, they are being punished and are paying for my stupid decisions and I have a very hard time living with that reality because I am the one who should be punished, not them. I have asked my wife to hate me for my bad decisions and all the agony I have put her through. I have asked her to kick me out, to banish me. I have asked her mother to hate me for the agony I’ve brought about to her daughter.
If there were true justice in this world, I would be made to suffer alone, helpless, hungry and miles away from anyone who cared for me. It would only be what I deserve for my stupidity. My wife should hate every fiber of my being for all the damage and misery that I have caused her. It would only be fair and fairness is what is lacking here. No one else should have to suffer for my own bad decisions. My tally so far is a lost house, lost years, agony and misery for my wife, a dead child, 2 cats that we couldn’t bring with us and 1 more cat that I sent to his death and will never forgive myself for doing despite his age and his health, several thousand dollars lost in the move, and a lost house. I think of Sam often and all I can think of is that I sent him to his death. Yes, I'm told he was old, around 15 years old at the time, and was suffering and that it was the best thing for him but I can't convince myself of this. I loved that cat dearly just like I have loved all my cats and I would not do anything for any reason to purposely hurt them but I did just that with him as well as Smash and Simba with my decision to move. I have cried many times since we left because, even though I know they're being taken care of and aren't at some shelter or out on the street somewhere, I still lied to them and my guilt for this gets heavier each day as it should.
I simply would ask that I be made to suffer and be in misery but not my family. They have done nothing wrong. They have done absolutely nothing to bring this about on themselves other than loving and caring for me and for this alone, I should be made to hurt physically and emotionally. I currently do so and my punishment is just.
If I were to have one wish, it would be to live forever in misery and agony and sadness because only then could I begin to atone for the damage I’ve done and the people and animals whose lives I have negatively affected so much over the years. My wife, my parents, my cats, everyone around me has the right to hate and despise me and to cast me out of their lives.
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